Mister Middle-Aged Birthday Wish

I would climb a towering, ancient Oak, 

Seeking out a well-chosen jagged limb,

One that would appear thick enough,
For my middle-aged behind,

My legs would tremble,

My palms would sweat, 
But I'd be careful,

As I crept, no, scooted horsey style, 
Along, a barnacled branch,

Below, my golden furred, dogie friend - Sam,
Would hide under his paws, 
And grumble, 
And wonder, 
If I should take a tumble, 
There would be trouble,
Because he wanted to be fed,

I would remember too, 
“Don't look down ... 
 ... CRAP! I looked down,”
As I would stare down at death,

BUT, I'd suck in a deep breath,

As I'd grapple over the wobbly, bouncy branch,                      

I would carelessly swing upside down, 
APE style,

As translucent sweat drops would rain down 
toward the ground,
... off my pasty white forehead,

                    

I'd yell, “Hey kids – LOOK, NO HANDS!"

"Dude, be careful," one might say back. 

They’d all shrug, shake their heads, 
But pet Sam on the head,

As they strolled away from my dare devilish display,

Undaunted, I would run back home,
With a relieved, inward and outward, 
Sam, in dangled dog tow,

I would devour a huge bowl of brown beans, 
Sam, would sniff at them, backup and frown,

Then I would gestate for an hour or so, maybe more,

Some peoples colons work slower, but eventually,

I’d FART, audacious, odorous farts,

And shake my clenched fists in the air, 

I'd SCREAM… "YES! YES I CAN!!!"

And to my amazement, 
"Look, Sam, I exterminated a cockroach, 
without even using my jazz hands," 

Sam would sniff at my posterior, 
His brown eyes would start to drip tears,
As he wobbled away, to seek clear air,

  

Then, AS IF I'M SKIPPING SCHOOL, 

(Whisper this part with me …)

I’d prance naked about our empty house,

As if a land locked Manatee spouse,

And wiggle, giggle, swivel, And,

Scare away a trapped bumblebee,

Who buzzed accidentally inside,
Through an open window,

   

After,

I’d investigate our bathroom closets,

Wonderment, at all her smelly stuff?

EUREKA! 

I'd borrow (steal) some of my wife's,

Flowery scented bathtub soaps,

A large inventory, she would never notice,

I would, I really would, 
Fill the tub to the brim,

With wispy, frothy, sudsy clouds, 

Light one of her expensive candles, 

WHY you ask? 
Just because I could,
And I would, 
I really, really, would,
My dogie friend Sam, 
Would haunch back and stare at me,
And wonder what had happened to my me,
Curious if he could survive all day ...
... alone with me,

I'd Immerse myself like an Alligator,

Within a luxurious, steamy, nuclear reactor hot, 

Hot-Water wasting bath, 
Then,

POP a cork, and guzzle down a bottle... 

Of my wife’s favorite Champagne,
The bottle, 
She's been hiding for a special occasion,
"What better occasion, than my birthday?"

Then harkin' back to our honeymoon, 

As tiny, fragrant, sparkle bubbles bloomed,

From one of my wife's fancy, 
flooted lead crystal glass, 

And just like my hands-free brown bean trick,

My own personal bubbly versions would escape,

From the crack of my bulbous ...
middle-aged southern - exit only - address,


I'd CACKLE like I'm a thirteen year-old boy, 
As I'd hop out dripping wet, 
Wrap a towel around my head,
New Delhi style,
Because TODAY - my one day
I can try to act, sort of ... kind of ... COOL,              

I’d sing off-key a Jimmy B tune, 

In a loud annoying voice, prompting Sam,
To go hide in his dark den,

         

I would guzzle several pints more of my favorite brew, 

BELCH and burp as if a Bulbous Bullfrog, 
sleeping on the bottom,

Of a pale green algae infested pond,

Another region of my bits-and-parts, I'd,

FART to the extreme, 
And scream, "YES! SEE, I DID IT AGAIN!",
Sam would stare up at me,
From the safety of his dark den,
Thinking, "You won't trick me again."

                

Then, I would SCAMPER into the cold backyard, 
Whip out my sleeping, flaccid forgotten friend,

As I'd spell my name, onto the powdery virgin snow,

Using an age old artistic medium from childhood,

Streaming in cursive, with a moist, day-glow sputtering flow, 

To create instant environmental art, 
After,

I'd step back to admire the letters I wrote, 

As Sam would stare up at me, then sniff at my work,
Then lift his hind leg, 
And add what he thought,

And life would get BETTER!

I’d DEVOUR a thick, juicy 

(Medium rare - "thank you"),

Artery-clogging steak, 
Slide a few morsels over to Sam,
Who pawed a thank you at my leg,

Swig another pint of my favorite brew, 

Chomp down a HUGE baked potato, 

Slathered in butter and sour cream, 

And any other evil, forbidden,

Cholesterol inducing goodness I could find, 

     

But from within the unguarded refrigerator, 

I'd SNEER, as I would instantly flick away,

Noisy neighbor steamed vegetables,

Perched inside a cold plastic container,

They would STARE at me, 
Acting all health-a-lee Superior,      

"Who do they think they are?" I'd ask Sam,

Just for meanness, I'd chuckle ...

And threaten to feed them
to my golden haired co-conspirator … "woof!", 

Thanks to the vacuum hose my Doctor fished up my behind,

My impromptu feast, slithered down my overworked, 
Cancer free colon,

The goodness disappeared into my vast bowel of nothingness, 

I would enjoy a reflective nap with my fur covered friend,  

As I'd need energy for what comes next, 

From off my unedited dreamed up menu, of,  

HOPED for birthday treats and wishes,

In Mister Elmer J. Fudd esquire, speak ... 
Whisp-pa wit me now,

I’d berry, coolie, care-foolie, 

Twack down my 1-and-only, ba-ha-ride,

Because I'm not from You-taw, 

           

And I only hab dis temporary stiff mainsail,

From a limited time offer,

Thanks to a super secret pill box,

With a four-hour warranty window,

(Otherwise, I'd have to go to the hos-spital ...) 

                    

I'd woe-mantically give her a single wed wove, 

I'd kiss her hand, 

I'd whis-purr in her ear,

"I wuv you – my dear,",

AND THEN!

After I locked my golden fur covered friend, Sam, inside his den ...

We would naked wrestle until we scrambled our ba-rains,

(THE BEST … almost, but not quite, 3 minutes of the day!)

BUT ALAS ...

That is what I would DO ... IF, it were MY birthday … today …

BUT I'M NOT YOU!

So, today might be YOUR birthday?

My faceless middle-aged friend,

I care not your skin pigmentation,

Who you have affection for,

Or, the faith you adore,

My simple hope for you, on your birthday,

GO OUTSIDE, SEEK YOUR INNER CHILD!

MISBEHAVE!

DO SOMETHING CRAZY or WILD, 

DO WHATEVER YOUR HEART CRAVES,

BE BRAVE!  

Because ... oh well, truth be told, 

It can all end,

A snap of my fingers, 

The blink of a child's eyes,

A nano second being unaware,
Or, simply, being genetically unlucky ...

BUT! I would not despair,

Because, It’s not MY birthday today,

So, I’ll just go to work, 

And tonight I'll sit in a dark room,

I'll pet my needy golden-haired friend, Sam,

And I'll be quiet, just do as I'm told,
And try to behave, 
And try not to get caught releasing a silent, foggy fart,

BUT LATER TONIGHT,

AS I CLOSE MY EYES, 

I'LL DREAM,   

I'LL WHISPER IN MY MIND,

I have a birthday, too, the one day,

Every year, until I disappear, 

The one day, MY day ... to be ME,

The day I can act weirder than usual.