If I Were 13 Again...

An angelic face from adolescence, 
I am lost, swept out to sea,

As if I’m a terrified 13 year old boy, 

standing atop of a wooden schooner, 

tacking back and forth, 
a frothy, foamy sea,

Buried feelings hidden in my spirit,
at my oceans bottom, 

brush past me tidal breeze, brush past me regret, 
brush past me, 

brush past me, 
free me four winds, 

I beg,

As if my heart will burst outside my chest, 

this nuclear explosion, 

which blasts my main sail, 
across a vast unending horizon, 

my compass can no longer find true north, 

I am lost, the stars above amethyst black,

Unable to navigate, or chart a new course, 

I feel cursed, 

so I throw my heart on the quarter-deck, 
step on it, 

beat it to a pulp, 
catapult it into the sky as target practice 
for a firing squad, 
submerge it in water, 
bury it in dry ice, 
until it’s as hard as stone, 
but then hold it close, 
as I willingly walk the plank,  

Maybe I’ll drop anchor, 
and swim miles and miles from safety, 

to burn off this intimate eternal flame, 

but I could just as well be glided across limitless, 
cold space, circle Venus, 
emerge bathed in liquid time, 
but my heart would not have changed,

I don’t know what to say,

My heart aches from picking into my inner-most, 

my heart was pure, my eyes clear, 
my mind a blank slate, 

but her eyes, 
her eyes inflict to foggy my perceptions, 

as if a blind child touching and sensing,

I stumble and splash 
into my river of regrets, 

I am lost, 

will I drown from my first kiss, 

holding her warm, soft hands, 
innocence and sincere love,

For I confess, 
pure love I conceal within my heart, 

desperately I hide, 

it’s almost not fair,
to be willingly snared by this childhood affair,

Perhaps I’m just a silly poet, 

I wish I could have told her I was in pain,

I wish I could deceive myself, 
and act like I don’t care, 

but a lie to my love, 
strikes my soul, 
better I burn in hell, 
than not be truthful,

I care, 

as if my whole absorbed into her charity heart, 
before a lover, a wife, a mother,

I wish I could just turn my gaze away, 
or blind myself, 

but that’s the easy way, a boy, 
a teenager, in a man’s critical mind,

I don’t know what to say, 

I am lost, swept back, 
timeless, to forever,

Perhaps, 

I’ll do what I always do, 

play the village fool, 

try to distract my mind, 

and shield my broken heart 
from certain doom, 

honesty, to truth,

                                                
I am afraid, then and now,

A boy with an adult mind, 

a man remembering the scarred boy, 

and this wondrous, sacred scar, 

love, as constant as the tides, 

as deep as the ocean’s, 

as wide as the earth’s crust, 

and yes, 
sometimes the pain from the wound, 
causes me to cry, 

And I don’t know why,

But I’m not lost; 

I’m terrified, 

As if I’m 13 year old boy again, 

Holding a pretty girls hand, 

Afraid to hurt her,

Perhaps it’s the words a boy lacks 
the courage to say,

Straight forward, 

my mortal heart flutters, 

and my puffy cheeks turn a crimson hue, 

words born from the wellspring of my soul, 

as pure as a newborns smile,

I love you, 
beautiful childhood memory.